It's 2014 And Where The Heck Is Our Happy Ending? (December 23, 2013)

     Merry Christmas from the land of the paranoid delusional oppressed middle class Christian white man!  And we do mean CHRISTmas, not Xmas or Happy Holidays or any of that liberal politically correct crap!  After all, the only people that matter are white Christians, nobody else could possibly have anything else to celebrate, ever.

     Ok, now that we have that out of the way, on to this week's latest and greatest from our pal Robert "Bob" Beierle, of the completely seriously named Creative Insight, LLC.  I can only guess that he had this ready to go before the whole Duck Dynasty kerfluffle happened and that's why we get this instead of some nonsense supporting homophobia in the name of religious freedom.  I'm sure we'll see something about it in January. In the meantime, Bob asks where our happy ending is.  And he's not talking about the Asian masseuse, either! Hyuk hyuk!  If you have a "misogyny" or "racism" square on your Our Town Bingo board (note to self: make Our Town Bingo boards), mark it off!

     No, Bob wants to know why it's so hard to be middle class and white these days, what with the government telling everyone how to live their lives and all.  After all, shouldn't hard work and being a white Christian man be enough to succeed?  How are we supposed to do that when the government keeps taking away our health care?

     Wait, what?  I know, I did the same thing.  Obamacare is still Bob's #1 bogey man, even if it's totally irrelevant.  He's incensed that the government has spent $2 billion on building a website, completely reformatting the health care laws in this country, and telling people how they can pay less for health insurance (or actually get health insurance they couldn't afford before).  I almost hate to point out that this expenditure is less than 1% of the Federal Budget.  I mean, they spent 4 times as much on prisons and wasted about the same amount on drug enforcement (while spending 1/4 as much on prosecuting financial crime, but whatever), but, since this isn't part of Bob's "happy ending," Obamacare is clearly something to get worked up about.

     Bob's really pissed that 6 million people have lost their health care because of Obamacare.  Soon that number could be 80 million! I'm not sure where these numbers are coming from, by the way, but I can promise you that they came from somewhere near Bob's chair, approximately 2' above the floor and the sun doesn't shine there. I have to wonder when Bob will realize that those 6 million plans went away for a very good reason and were replaced by better, more affordable plans.  Probably on that day when hell freezes over and Rush, Hannity, O'Reilly, Glenn, and Fox and Friends start reporting that part of the story.

     You might ask what is Bob's idea of a happy ending?  Well, apparently it involves "the ability and the good health to work in a society where hard work, innovation, creative thinking, and the willingness to take chances is rewarded."  Funny, I thought that was the society we lived in.  Let's look at some of Bob's examples:

• A farmer who only wants to own a farm and raise livestock.  What a great idea! Why hasn't anyone thought to do this?  What a shame that the government is so oppressive that they won't even allow people to grow and sell food.  If only Obamacare didn't have those provisions making farming impossible!
• Own a restaurant and make it the best one it could be.  Gee, what a lovely dream, I'm sure we would all love to have a place where friends and neighbors could gather for a tasty meal and a few drinks and some fun without worrying about getting food borne illness or having some cheap bar owner charge them for a premium drink while pouring them swill.  It's too bad the government has so many regulations making people lose their health care so they can't own restaurants. 
• Mom and Dad want to teach their kids instead of sending them to public school.  I know, the Federal government is so strict about home schooling, it's such a shame they round up children every day to force them into public schools. If only we could just keep them in a shed where their only exposure to the world was through our strict interpretation of the Bible.  Surely then they will bring nothing but good into the world.  Too bad Obamacare won't let us educate our children the way we want.
• A country that honors veterans instead of empty promises and broken deals. Seriously, it's shameful how poorly we treat our vets, we only have two holidays celebrating their service, plus all those sporting events where they give free tickets and recognition to service members, and all those "Support Our Troops" bumper stickers.  I mean, it's really embarrassing that we spend so much time recognizing and thanking these people and then complain when the government wants to spend money ensuring their health.  Oh, wait, that wasn't sarcastic, was it?

   Yes, most Americans have simple dreams, they're good folk who only want to live their lives in freedom.  They want a government that will allow us to protect our private property (because why pay for police when you can just shoot anyone you don't like?) and side with "real Americans who were either born here or came here from other countries legally, instead of allowing illegals to come into our homes, to take from us, and then to give us demands of how we should act towards them and what we should give to them."  Yup, there's that racism you were craving, draped in an American flag, half baked at 350º and served up on a bed of outrage and anger.

     Look, this is just a thought, and it might be a crazy one, but hear me out: maybe, just maybe, if you want a "happy ending," you shouldn't be putting so much hate and anger into the world.  Maybe, instead of ignorant vitriol, try some empathy, some sympathy, even a bit of compassion or a modicum of respect for other human beings.  Try reading and listening instead of ranting and raving.  Instead of knee jerk reactions based on faith, rhetoric, talking points and misinformation, try educating yourself and basing your arguments on fact.  As a wise man once said "in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make."  There are no "happy endings," Bob, this is real life, not a story book.  The best you can hope for is a happy today with a chance of a happy tomorrow, but you won't get either if you're constantly angry and hate everyone.  Even Ebeneezer Scrooge figured that one out.

Yes There Is a Solution (Nov. 22, 2013)

     Happy Thanksgiving! Here we are, thankful for another certifiable rant from our favorite turkey, Robert "Bob" Beierle.  In this weeks episode, Bob explains to us that he's not Cujo but Toto, as he pulls back the curtain on our government and the "true corruption" inside.

     The great irony here is that the whole thing starts with a plea to keep an open mind, to not look at these things as conservatives or liberals, Republicans or Democrats (nice restraint there, Bob, actually using Democrat and not some made up epithet), but to look at them as an American.  Yes, Bob wants us to keep an open mind and remember that Hollywood and the media and liberal college professors have labeled people like him as racists, bigots, homophobes, "whackos" and extremists; not because they are any of those things but because the "lame stream media" and the great "Wizard of Oz/our politicians" don't want you to trust these people or listen to them as they try to warn you about the "big bad government" coming for your rights.  That's right: the government is the Wizard of Oz, putting on a big show and hiding their true selves behind curtains, and Bob here is faithful little Toto, come to pull back the curtain and show you and me the truth.

     Now, look, I'm not exactly a fan of the government. I'm as disappointed by the current administration as everyone else who believed that change was possible.  I have no delusions about what they're doing, listening to our phone calls and reading our browser history.  But I'm not going to ask you to keep an open mind and then in the same paragraph tell you how horrible Obamacare is when it's barely been around for a month.  I'm not going to go off on how this President has put us so much further in debt when the other option was to let the economy completely self destruct and bring on another Great Depression.  That's what keeping an open mind means, Bob, that you look at all of the facts, not just the ones that support your views. 

     This is why we don't listen to you and your ilk, Bob, because you go off the rails about things which you do not comprehend.  All you know is Reagan said government health care is bad, so any form of government health care is bad, no matter what, right?  Don't read the bill, don't bother to notice that it will reduce health care costs long term or that it will give millions of people health care that never had access to it before, it's from the government so it must be removing my freedoms and costing me money, so I hate it, Obama lied about keeping our plans, burn it all down.  So much for an open mind.

     I don't even need to read the rest of this nonsense to tell you what he says: Benghazi was lies, the government is running the economy, printing "fiat currency," made up history (Seal Team 6 was set up by the government to be killed by Muslim terrorists? Really, Bob?  CNN must have missed that one), and your standard Tea Party "our founding fathers were so great" baloney. In fact, the whole thing ends with a plea to drop your support for the traditional political parties and start supporting the Tea Party.  If you worship the founding fathers so much, why haven't you realized that the greatest gift they gave us was a living, breathing Constitution that is designed to change with the times, not a set of commandments carved in stone that must be rigidly followed or else?

     Seriously, Bob, if you want me to keep an open mind, first open yours.  As usual, your "editorial" is neither creative nor insightful.  Stop parroting Fox News and Glenn Beck and Rush and actually generate a unique thought for once in your life.  Maybe look up some facts before you make a decision, instead of just assuming that because something comes from a person you don't like it's automatically bad.  Until then, you're not faithful little Toto, you're just a rabid dog slobbering all over itself until Atticus Finch comes along to put you down.

Rogue Government (June 8, 2013)

     I've sat on this one for a few weeks, needing to digest Bob's essay and get my head around exactly what was going on before commenting.  This edition, ranting about the IRS using their powers to go after conservative groups, is classic Robert Beierle, in that it is disjointed, barely coherent, and definitely neither creative nor insightful.  It is more or less a rehash of whatever Bob heard that week on Fox News or Rush or Glenn or whatever cracked out radio waves that get piped into his brain, with a nice little anecdote about how he was personally targeted by the President.  Not to call him a liar, but I seriously doubt President Obama has ever heard of Our Town Pennysaver, much less Robert "Bob" Beierle or "Creative Insight" LLC.  But I digress...

    This week's rant starts off with a definition of the term "rogue." It's quite interesting that Bob can literally type out the definition (probably copied and pasted from Webster's) and then immediately use the word incorrectly in a sentence.  Let's hear it for public education, right Bob?  All this is leading up to is the accusation that our (but not Bob's, oh no) government has gone "rogue" and is no longer of the people.  The proof, of course, is that the IRS is targeting conservative political action groups.  Somehow, that all ties in with Benghazi and Islamic terrorists and armed Federal officers at Tea Party meetings and Leon Panetta and flu vaccines and radio tracking devices implanted in your head.

     Bob gets in the requisite "Obama is a Nazi" reference (thank you, Mike Godwin), comparing him to Sergeant Shultz (because he knows "nozink!" Get it?)  Then, in what has to be the most twisted and asinine passage of a harangue so ludicrous that even a paranoid schizophrenic would say "tone it down," he somehow manages to imply that the President of the United States is a child molester.  It would be funny if it weren't so mind numbingly insane.

     At one point, Bob says that there are people out there who think that this whole thing is ok.  I'm here to tell you, Bob, that the only people out there defending this are the ones who were involved in it and personally benefited from it.  If you think there is a Democrat or a liberal or a "college kid" out there who isn't angry with our government, who isn't outraged that they're spying on us and using our money for personal gain, then you're a bigger fool than I thought.

    Now, I'll admit, the crazy in this piece just got too much for me to handle.  Yeah, Bob, what the IRS did was wrong.  What the NSA is doing is wrong.  I admit that I am extrememly let down by what President Obama has done and not done in his 5 years in the White House.  I still maintain that he was a better choice than the alternatives.  I would include Congress in that disappointment, but this type of nonsense is about what I expect from Congress; my expectations for them are so low that I don't know it would be possible to be disappointed in Congress.

     As much as I agree that there is a problem in government right now and something needs to be done about the overreach of Federal power, Bob's newest tirade is about three words short of advocating armed rebellion against the government, and I just can't get down with that.  He describes himself as a Patriot at one point, and I would laugh at that except that it offends me so much.  If this is what passes for patriotism these days, this type of paranoia and hate and anger, then leave me out of it.  Bob has the right to speak his mind, he has the right to publish whatever he likes, but so do I, and right now, I'm asking Bob to please shut up and stop making the rest of America look bad.

     Wow.  Just wow, Bob.

     First, I need to address that I've been gone a while.  That's because Bob has been relatively quiet, either not publishing, or what he is publishing I haven't seen, so maybe I'm getting to people; or what he has published has been personal and really just not worth attacking.  I'm truly sorry to hear about his wife, and his essay about her almost made me think he has a shred of humanity.  And then I picked up his May 8, 2013 edition and saw What's In a Name?  So much for that idea.

     I honestly do not know where to start with this.  Should I begin with the straight up insanity of how Bob thinks we fight disease?  His complete and utter lack of understanding of modern medicine and what really happens when antibiotics are administered is just stupefying.  The whole first page, where he talks about "finding the true name of a disease" is either the worst understanding of medical science in history or the most idiotic and painful metaphor in the entirety of the English speaking world.  Yes, some voodoo practitioners take the idea of someone or something's true name and the power it holds over them very seriously, but I really doubt that Jonas Salk or James Watson and Francis Crick and Maurice Wilkins or really anybody on this list would consider medical science "voodoo."  It requires a great deal more than simply knowing the name of a bacteria, virus, or syndrome to cure it and implying that it's as simple as that requires leaps of logic that even your most strident homeopath would struggle to complete.  This first page is dizzying in it's defiance of common sense, logic, and reality, and we have not even begun to scratch the surface of the twisted insanity that is this essay.

     Now, brace yourselves, because what I'm about to say may strike you as ludicrous, but I assure you, a man actually put it into print and then distributed it to stores throughout NY, NJ, and PA: the reason we have not won the war on terror is because we are not treating radical Muslims like a disease.  Yeah.  So, apparently, if we learned the "true name" of radical Islam and said it out loud three times, it would simply vanish, just like polio and Beetlejuice.  You see, we eradicated polio and smallpox because we weren't afraid to profile them and call them by their "true names"; we did it because we're 'Murica and we know what's right and anyone who disagrees must be wrong. We (and nobody else in the world, not Europe or Asia or Africa, just 'Murica) stopped those diseases because we didn't worry about being racist or bigoted in destroying a disease, we went after it. Nevermind that scarlet fever and whooping cough aren't races or even people, we were not worried about being called racist for destroying them.  Since he asked, no, Bob, for the record, we do not all agree with your version of history here.  Some of us live in reality. 

     In Bob's reality, if we stop being so sensitive about the feelings of all those Muslims out there who aren't radicalized and don't want to destroy us and start profiling all Muslims and all dark skinned, swarthy people who might be Muslims, we can stop terrorism.  Don't worry, it hurts my brain too, but Bob put it out there, so I'll give him credit for having the balls to be that stupid.  Or crazy.

     There's a lot of crazy in here, too, from some nonsense about his Irish grandmother getting on a plane with a seven year old to politicians who can't fight to bears and fish and birds and kids throwing ape "manure" at each other.  From what I can piece out of this, he thinks that the Boston Marathon bombings have something to do with the fact that the President doesn't say "radical Muslims" enough, and that allows the "disease" of radical Islam to think it can attack us whenever it wants.  He thinks that the town where the Tsarnaev brothers were radicalized is somewhere in Russia and should be bombed off the map.  Well, Bob, I have some bad news for you: I don't know what Cambridge, MA ever did to you, but I'm sure they don't deserve that.  That's right: the Tsarnaev's were not only living in the US for most of their lives, but found out about radical Islam here, too.  They didn't go to Chechnya (it's Chechnya, not Russia, not Czechoslovakia, and definitely not China) to get radicalized, they found it on this newfangled thing all the kids are using called the World Wide Interwebs.  Or did you think that in the 6 months the one brother spent in Russia that he went from good American boy who loved baseball and apple pie to murderous jihadi who magically convinced his brother to help him blow up America?

     Then, in a classic Bob Beierle ADD moment, we're suddenly talking about Syria.  Apparently, in whatever reality Bob inhabits, Bashar al-Assad is being funded by al Qaeda, and John McCain thinks we should have soldiers in Syria sorting out their civil war, which is first the correct answer but then the wrong one.  He also seems to be mad because the President didn't immediately bomb the hell out of Syria as soon as it was reported that they used chemical weapons.  Good thing he waited for confirmation there, huh Bob, especially since there's still no definitive evidence which side is using them or even that it actually happened. 

     The last bit of the article really just defines irony.  Bob says we should let Syria tear itself apart, let millions of people be destroyed by a war they have no part in and want nothing to do with, all so that a group of radical Muslims (most of whom are not even involved in this struggle) who have "no tolerance or forgiveness for anyone else who doesn't believe what they believe" can destroy themselves.  This was written with no trace of irony or sarcasm; Bob really does believe what he's writing here.  You can't make this stuff up.

     Just in case some of you still aren't following, the part of this whole thing that truly boggles my mind is that Bob seems to think that radical Islam is a disease and that our tolerance for it is the reason we haven't beaten it like other diseases.  The problem with that mentality is that radical Islam is not a disease.  It is a belief, and that is much more infectious and much more damaging than any disease known to man.  We're not talking about bacteria or viruses here; this isn't a genetic abnormality that can be treated with chemicals or surgery.  It's not even a parasite that can be removed or killed.  These are people; human beings. Bob lumps them all together under one designation and says they all need to be terminated, indiscriminately, and with extreme prejudice.  Why? Because they're the intolerant ones.  Without any hint of irony or self awareness, he, in one paragraph, suggests that the United States should stand by and allow innocent women and children who are begging for our help to be killed in Syria because a group of militants with whom they have no affiliation other than sharing a similar (not even the same) belief system has killed innocent women and children in America.  And he wonders why these people hate America. (On a side note, please don't think that I'm advocating American military intervention in Syria, I'm not, I think that would be a terrible idea.  But we should be working to help those who are not combatants with protection, food, and medical aid.)

      After spending around 1,600 words talking about how our politically correct culture of tolerance is the problem, how the disease of Islam is trying to destroy America, how our attempts to placate Muslims around the world and show them that we do not want to be their enemy only makes them think that we are weak and easy targets, he explains that we need to destroy this "disease" because they don't tolerate anyone who thinks differently.

     Wow, Bob.  Just wow.